Sunday 30th November 2008

Life in Lindfield is certainly very different in the winter and weekends spent out and about exploring and enjoying our new country have come to an abrupt halt....most of the large attractions are closed for maintenance through the winter and as it is just so cold it seems like a very good idea.

This weekend was another quiet one at home although we did take the children out to the old "bug house" (movie theater) in Burgess Hill to watch High School Musical 3....we must be one of the last families on the planet to have seen the movie, but it was worth it, the kids loved it and there was more than one part which had us all laughing out loud - not surprised it has been rated as the best of the three.

The Orion Theater in Burgess Hill has been standing as long as anyone in the area can remember and it takes Simon and I back to the days of the movie houses in Grahamstown. We do have a modern cinema complex in Crawley (about 25 mins drive) but we actually quite enjoy this quaint little theatre complete with ushers and a projectionist....real olde worlde.

Megs and Phil are back to school tomorrow having finally recovered from their illnesses and I am looking forward to getting on top of the house again as I must confess my domestic goddess

status has slipped a bit while they have been home.....just too difficult to clean and iron with 3 children underfoot - well that is my excuse anyway and I am sticking to it.

Thursday 27th November 2008

Both children are still at home, but definitely on the mend as I can't hear myself think as I type this post, they have a great game of Lego going on upstairs....this strict mommy won't allow them downstairs as being sick is about being in bed so upstairs it is - and a definite plus is that it helps contain the infection from Nicholas.

As we have been in the country 6 months now and the long winter evenings are upon us (it is dark now from 4.30pm - 7.00am) Simon and I decided that last night was time for another "family meeting" during which each member gets to chat about their feelings about the move and giving us an opportunity to try and change the things that are perhaps making us miserable and capitalise on the things that are making us happy.

These "meetings" are always interesting and I am sometimes amazed by the things that come out of them....it turns out that Megs is loving the outings and the extra family time that we are experiencing here and enjoying the fact that I am not always so busy and we have time for walks and shopping together etc, she also likes the fact that her dad is more relaxed and seems to be happy. She however hates the pebble beaches and is longing for some waves so we have promised her a trip further south as soon as the weather warms for a long weekend somewhere in either Devon or Cornwell.

Phillip (and this surprised me) likes the fact that he can wait for me in the car when I go into a shop and not feel scared and that I let him start walking home with his sister when we have been to the village - I really thought that I had protected my children from the "fear" in South Africa and it is certainly nothing that we have ever openly discussed in front of them as they still have so many loved ones there that we don't want them to worry, but as they say "from the mouths of babes". He in turn dislikes the way the children here swear and disrespect their parents, again a surprise, and although this one isn't as easy to solve as his sisters I am looking out for South African social groups at the moment to expose him to children that are raised in the same way as he is and we discussed the fact that he doesn't have to hang with kids he doesn't like just to have friends....coz at the end of the day they aren't real friends anyway.

Si is loving the outings and solid family time as well but is really battling with the crowds everywhere and finds the health and safety a bit OTT, so we are going to do more wood walks then city highlights and try and find some kind of balance....we are also looking at getting him a motorbike so that he has some freedom from the trains and can ride to work when he needs a break. Health and Safety.....well there simply isn't a way round that and he is right they are totally OTT.

For me, well the pages of this blog are filled with my hopes, thoughts, likes and dislikes, nothing new there. A very worthwhile exercise and one that we have agreed to repeat every 6 months until England is home and South Africa just somewhere all the people we love live.

Wednesday 26th November 2008

What a roller coaster ride the last couple of days have been, filled with giddy heights and sickening drops and all the adrenalin I can handle for the next six months.

Having decided to look for properties as our current rent is £1000 per mont, on Monday I confirmed with the agents that I wanted to view a property in Danehill and at the same time discovered a gem of a house in Scaynes Hill, just walking distance from the children's school and comprising 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms and a huge lounge and garden. I set up appointments for both on Tuesday as I had Megs home sick with me on Monday.

Well on Tuesday I had both Megan and Phillip home sick, so with both children asleep in the back of Auntie Madge (aka the bus) I headed out once again to Danehill only to discover, as I had arrived, that the agent had being trying to reach me to cancel the appointment as the owner had let the house privately.......aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......huge frustration, annoyance and disappointment, but at least we still had the Scaynes Hill property to look at.

The children and I instantly fell in love with the property at Scaynes Hill and it seemed as though it was destined to be ours. Despite a few decorating quirks it was perfect and I spent time showing it to both the Bratz and my mom and talking about it as if it was a done deal......enter reality......once Si got home from work we sat and really discussed the implications of the move as, although the house cost exactly the same per month as our current one, we needed to consider getting Si a motorbike to get to and from the station as cycling was no longer an option due to distance, hence more fuel expenses....there was also the hefty 1500 pound deposit to consider and the 500 pound administration fee, not to mention the 1000 pound rent in advance - so after working the numbers in just about every way possible, we decided this morning to let the property go and stick it out where we are for the next 6 months and reassess in May next year when we have officially been resident a full year.

On top of all this I have just got Megan back to school this morning and have been up all night dealing with Phil with temperatures of 38.5+ degrees - turns out the poor little man has an upper respiratory tract infection and is feeling absolutely dreadful....so antibiotics for him as well I am afraid and we are all just hoping and praying that the antibodies in my breast milk will be enough to keep Nic well as, at this stage, I don't think I can take many more sleepless nights with sick children.

One thing is for certain as I celebrate the 6 month mark of our time here, we most definitely can't call it boring!

Sunday 23rd November 2008

IT IS SNOWING....IT IS SNOWING and not just tiny little none settling flakes, great big fluffy white flakes which land on the floor and settle in your mouth and coat everything that they touch.

I woke up this morning to an ill Megan (sore throat, headache, coughing.....first of the flu I guess) and while I was running her a hot bath to ease her aches and pains I noticed the first of the snowflakes outside the window.....well needless to say it didn't take us long to get all bundled up and head outside to "play". Fortunately Nic was still asleep so all four of us were able to get out there and experience the first snow fall of the winter.

After a lovely time outside (and many sidewards looks from the English neighbours) we were back in for Bacon, Eggs and Hot chocolate and after a lovely warm bath the older children are now ensconced on the sleeper couch in the conservatory watching dvds.....too too cold to do anything else and I think the remainder of this Sunday is going to be spend inside in the lovely central heating.

Friday 21st November 2008

A quiet but pleasant week in which Nic and I have shopped and walked and slept and bonded and it has left me feeling happily comfortable in my life.....I really do count myself as one of the lucky ones and as I sit and ponder the week gone by I realise that life really is what you make it - I could sit here and bemoan the stillness of my existence and mourn for my once hectic and at times frenetic life, a life that I so loved or I can accept the change gracefully and embrace the silence that I once so craved....I have chosen acceptance and with it has come a peace that I don't think I have ever really experienced before, a peace from which I am able to put my husband and children first, not just in theory, but in actual practise.

For the first time in our lives we have only eaten take away twice in the last 6 months, and not only because of the price, but because I am happy to stand and cook for my family and enjoy the quality time around the dining room table as we share the meal at the end of the day. I am able to support my children in their day to day issues and have time to stop and actually listen to the "exciting" story about the spider they found on a bench at break which some of the kids thought was poisonous and than Megs was brave enough to pick it up and get rid of it so that it didn't scare the other children (all narrated in Phils best breathless voice with his eyes flashing)...these are precious moments that will never come again, and in my past existence they are moments I would have only listened to with one ear and half my brain as we rushed from one place to the next and the rest of my mind was occupied with what still had to be done in a day.

So today as I reflect, I count myself blessed and although I say again as I have said hundred's of times before, I miss my family and friends every day, I am so grateful for this new path and as I lift my beaming new born son from his bed and kiss his chubby cheek and know that I have no more to do today then look after him and keep our family....I realise that perhaps for the first time ever all is totally right with my world.

Tuesday 17th November 2008

What a lovely lovely day! Last week, during one of our NCT walks, my friend Jess suggested a trip into Brighton to show me the shops and perhaps finally allow me to buy Nicholas some much needed "big boy" clothes, as I keep being asked if he is in his pajamas. The English don't do this whole babygrow till they are 6 months old thing and there are even jeans available in newborn size.

Well today was the day, and after vacillating back and forth as to whether or not I should actually go...budgets being what they are with me not working.....Si persuaded me that a day out with the girls would do me good, and even if I couldn't spend shed loads of money I could still enjoy myself and do a bit of window shopping.....and I am so glad that I went.

Brighton was absolutely stunning without the huge weekend crowds and it was wonderful to be out shopping again in a big shopping center, to have coffee in a real coffee shop and enjoy some laughter and girlie chat - I did manage to shop for Nicholas (thanks to the sales) and have come home armed with two pairs of jeans and tops for him and a real boys hat as well as all his Christmas presents, so all in all a very successful day.

Lunch was in a lovely Italian restaurant in the lanes and it was the first affordable meal I have found to eat in England.....certainly helps to be with the locals as they know where to find the best places at affordable prices.

Sunday 16th November 2008

After a lovely sleep in and breakfast consisting of pancakes lovingly made from scratch by my precious dh, we finally got our acts together enough to have our much needed family photoshoot.

In South Africa I religiously had the family together out in the garden every 3 months or so, in order to capture the passage of time and so that there would never be a shortage of happy shots of us all together (including me for a change lol).....this hasn't been the case here unfortunately so today was the day and armed with the tripod we braved the cold to get these shots.

After the shoot it was off to Burgess Hill to fetch my lovely kitchen trolley which I picked up "free, gratis en vir niks" from Freecycle...For the uninitiated, Freecycle is a web based service whereby you can "recycle" items you no longer want or need and they can find new homes other than the landfills, all you have to do is go and fetch them and they are yours.

This is an amazing "throw away" society and it is great that what is junk in one home can become a treasure in another - with enough time I am sure you could furnish an entire house for free....we, fortunately only have the above mentioned trolley and a desk for Megan.....but it is early days yet.

Nicholas, I am pleased to say, is recovering nicely from his cold and both Megan and Phillip are happy and ready for school tomorrow....one of the good things about a peaceful weekend at home is that everyone is refreshed on Monday morning.

Wednesday 12th November 2008

Another quiet day today....first tea with Kerry in the morning, food shopping at Tesco's and then home, so really not much going on at the moment which means I have lots of quiet time (well when Nic is asleep at any rate), and I have been having some of those all important "coffees" with myself, and the more I think about it the more I realise that it doesn't matter where in the world you live, there are certain things we all have to do....and really life on the other side of the world isn't so different.

We need to eat, whether you are shopping at Pick n Pay, Spar, Tescos or Sainsburys the food may be slightly different but the need is the same. As I bite into my South African Pink Lady purchased from Tescos I could be standing in my kitchen at Stoney Hill Lane doing exactly the same thing, and as you squirt Heintz tomato ketchup over your chips, the same is happening in thousands of homes all over England....

We need to work and earn an income - in South Africa salaries may go into the 10s of 1000s and here you are really wealthy if you are earning over £5000 a month but despite the exchange rate and the strength of the currency the principal is identical, without sufficient money life is HARD no matter where you live and job security is one of the most important things and on every ones mind world over.....

We need good medical attention. In South Africa it is private and here it is supplied by the government, but we still both pay for it....you through medical aid and me through National insurance. It is the quality of the doctor which counts and not who provides it.

We need education....our children need to learn how to be valuable, contributing members of society and although there are differences in the syllabus here to South Africa, again the principal is the same and I have no doubt at times during the day little Dominic in South Africa and his best mate in all the world Phillip here in England are learning exactly the same thing.

I find this comforting, the knowledge that wherever you are in the world there are certain truths if you like and a commonality which holds us together in mutual understanding....I love the fact that as I walk into clinic to have Nicholas weighed there are mothers doing the same thing in South Africa and when I sit down to a cup of Rooibos tea I know the same thing is being served in homes all over the world....the knowledge that in the little every day routines that make our lives we are all still together even though we are miles apart.

Before I was a Mom....

I received this poem this morning from Mary and I just had to share it with you....I am sure many of you have read it before, but take a minute to read it again....it is so true....well at least for me it is.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom

I remember doing a layout with this poem the first time I ever read it....will scratch it out later today and share it with you.

Tuesday 11th November 2008

Spent some time at Baby Rhyme Time at the local library this morning.....it is amazing that they can offer a service like this for free. It is basically the music and instrument time from Moms and Tots and the moms from the local area can go along and have 30 mins of bonding time with there little ones - it was really sweet and I will definitely be going again in two weeks time (only run twice a month).

After the session I joined some of the ladies from my NCT class and ladies from their respective NHS groups for a delish decaf cappuccino at the Cafe Rouge on the Broadway.....this is the first time I have been to a restaurant on the Broadway as they are generally very expensive, but it was lovely to be in a cosy little coffee shop out of the bitter cold and sharing some fellowship with women in the same boat as I am.

Nic and I enjoyed a peaceful afternoon at home......ironing all finished (for now), so no guilt about watching Gilmore Girls and then I was off to watch "Crazy for You" at the theater in Horsham with my friend Catherine - stunning to spend an evening out and actually have to dress up, Si coped really well with Nick and managed to dummy him until my return so thankfully no need for the bottle as Nicholas is very adamant he isn't going to drink from one.

Saturday 8th and Sunday 9th November 2008

This weekend was finally the long awaited visit from the Andrew family and it was just as lovely as I thought it was going to be....there is absolutely nothing like being with good friends in the absence of family and Linny and I had such an awesome time just hanging while our children all played and our dh's saved the world.

Friday afternoon and evening were for chatting and we talked and talked and talked....any of you who know us both can just imagine (lol) and the Andrew family each took turns getting to know our little Nic a bit better.

Saturday morning started at a lovely leisurely pace and after breakfast Lin and I headed out to Uckfield for the all important boerewors from our trusty SA shop.....yup we where going to braai again, only this time we sensibly decided to do it during the day so it was a little bit warmer for the boys. Lin's lovely sister Lindsay joined us from London and it was so stunning to spend time with these warm and loving sisters. This will officially be the last braai of the season as you can't buy charcoal in England in the winter (weird place lol) so the webber has now been put away in the garage, much to Simon's disgust.


Saturday evening was the viewing of the all important Sex in the City as I am the last of the Bratz to watch the movie, and it was a very bitter sweet feeling to watch a movie about the friendship between 4 women that so much reflects our own....it once again highlights the gap these 3 amazing women have left in my life and just how incredible our time together was.

Sunday dawned crisp but bright so we decided to take a walk in the private wood behind our home, what a lovely way to spend a happy couple of hours....and I think Linny even shed a tear or two out of pure happiness....the children literally frolicked along while the grown ups kept a more peaceful pace and once again the opportunity for a photoshoot simply couldn't be missed.

Just a stunning, stunning weekend....Lin and I were both very emotional at the end of it and I hope that we will be able to get together again sooner rather than later.

Thursday 6th November 2008

After feeling a little bit miserable yesterday due to a tooth extraction and the beginnings of a throat infection, I decided that what my body needed this morning was a little bit of lovely fresh air, so despite the cold, I loaded Nicholas into his pram and the two of us took a good brisk stroll into town and you know what, that and a good gargle with strong salt water was exactly what the doctor ordered and I am now feeling on the mend and ready to face my WONDERFUL weekend with Linda and family.....I was totally gutted when I thought I may be sick......but am now on top of the world and counting the hours until they get here.

Before leaving on our trip I have to confess a VERY embarrassing moment with the electrician who had been sent out by Leaders (our property management company) to fix my door bell which hasn't been working since we got here.....he arrived, opened up the mechanism and asked me when last I had changed the batteries.....eeeeeeekkkkkk......I felt like the worst kind of idiot and had to really work those eyelashes while blushing profusely and all the time apologising for wasting his time - but that is not all.....just as he had climbed back in his truck I remembered that the lights in the conservatory haven't been working for some time, and yes I have changed the light bulbs (lol), so I went dashing out in my socks and asked him if I could trouble him for another five minutes and would he check the fuse box for me.....well after some investigation he bent down and flicked the switch on the wall and hey presto lights on......omg if the ground had opened at that moment I would so gladly have crawled in.....all I could hear was my dad laughing in my head and calling me a turkey - don't think I have blushed that much in years (lol).

Wednesday 5th November 2008

Today certainly is a remarkable day in the history of the world and I don't think a single person woke up anywhere this morning without their first thought being "Is Obama President"? The first words I heard this morning were "He is in" and it made my heart sing...maybe we really are going to see a season of change and the world will finally reunite under a strong and charismatic leader who hopefully will prove to be everything his rallies have lead us to believe....just wish they would stop referring to him as "Black" he is surely a coloured man being that he has a white mother and black father.....he is a bit of both, with loyalties to both sides, and as such an awesome possibility for a leader who may finally end racial segregation for once and for all.

After much excitement in the house all afternoon we (Simon, Megan, Phillip, Nicholas and Donay) finally met up with Tracy, Murray and Tash outside their house at about 7.15pm to go down to join the procession into town.....Tracy had brought along sparklers which added to the "fever" and the children where just about beside themselves when we finally heard the marching band and up the road came the town procession bearing the most enormous Guy you can ever imagine.

We joined onto the end of the procession and made our way, along with 7000 other people into town.....I couldn't believe the crowds and was a little bit anxious about the children being separated from us, but holding hands and chatting we followed the crowd without mishap until we finally arrived at the park. Unfortunately due to the huge numbers we weren't close enough to see the guy being placed on the bonfire, but Si did lift all the children up on his shoulders (rock concert style) to give them a better view for a bit.

The fireworks display was as usual spectacular....they definitely know how to put on a show here....and we stood speechless in the park for at least 30 minutes while the skies above us were literally lit up.....now I must mention at this point that it was chucking down with rain and I even had to use one of Nicholas's spare baby grows trying to keep the camera dry, but it was so worth it and I think everyone will agree an awesome way to spend Guy Fawkes. Home to hot chocolate and warm beds and all the children were asleep within minutes of their heads hitting the pillows.

Tuesday 4th November 2008

Nicholas had another appointment with the Osteopath this morning and Nick is very pleased with his progress, he does believe that Nicholas will benefit from one more appointment to help him with his snuffly nose, but I will see as I am not convinced that it is not just a little cold brought on by the change of the seasons....and the arrival of his first two teeth - yup you could have knocked me over with a feather as well, but it would appear that he is cutting his two top incisors as there are very distinct sharp bumps at the points were his incisors will be but I am going to get the health care visitor to confirm it for me when I see her on Thursday as I simply can't believe he would be teething at 3 months old.

Driving back from the appointment I was once again struck by the beauty nature is offering up to us at the moment with the change of seasons. I just LOVE the vibrant colours and am totally invigorated by the autumn chill, it is very different from anything I have experienced before and I find it makes me feel very alive which is a wonderful feeling....really looking forward to the firework display in the park tomorrow night, it promises to be spectacular and fantastically icy....temperature forecast at around 3 degrees.

Mind over Matter

To me perhaps the greatest gift that God has given us is the control of mind over matter, the ability to choose how you react to a situation even though you can't control it....two of the best examples I can think of for this are Christopher Reeves and Victor Van Meulen, both men faced tremendous adversity but went on to champion over it and live albeit a different life, and one they would not perhaps have chosen, but a full life with all that it has to offer none the less.

Over this past weekend I hit rock bottom in England, but it is only through this that I have been able to pick myself up and triumph over the situation....when faced with the examples of the two men above, how can I fall to pieces and be miserable when I am living in the country of my choice where my children are safe and opportunities for us as a family abound - at the end of the day it is mind over matter, so today I am back up and ready to go forward.

I think that this weekend was good for me as I faced another aspect of this journey and I have come through it stronger and more resolute to make this thing work.....I watched my husbands face as he realised I was having doubts and the fear in his eyes that I may actually ask him to return to South Africa and all the implications that would have, and I don't ever want to see that look again....we made this move as a family and with my parents support and although I miss them every single day this is my bed and I am going to lie in it and be happy about it - and that is the strength of mind over matter.

Sunday 2nd November 2008

Although I am not totally back to my "normal self" I am feeling much better today and am again focusing on the benefit of being here and I KNOW that with time they will once again outweigh the sadness - I am so grateful to my family and friends for being around and as many of you so rightly said with today's technology we can stay in touch with loved ones like never before...in fact my dad said yesterday that he probably knows Nicholas better through his blog then he would have in South Africa where our busy lives meant we only saw each other once a week - now he gets to see the kids every couple of days.

Had some much needed catch up on sleep this morning (lack of it is now becoming a joke and I think contributing to my downward spiral) and only surfaced at around 10.30am after which Si convinced me to join the family for an outing to Bordehill Gardens.....turned out to be lovely and we were given entrance stickers to the main gardens free of charge by a family who had bought to many for a party, so the children got to run around and experience the last of the Halloween festivities while Si and I took a stroll through the park like gardens and enjoyed the beautiful autumn colours - unfortunately I hadn't taken my camera with me so no pics I am afraid.

Si back to work tomorrow but Megan and Phil still have one more day before they are back to school - hopefully the wet weather will ease up a bit and we can spend some time in the park tomorrow.

A crisis of faith

Not in God but in our decision to move here....this is the first time in 5 months that I have actually sat back and wondered if we have made the right decision. I am sure that with enough will power and focus on the "pull factors" in a couple of days I will be back on top again, but for now I think it is important to document today as an important part of our journey.

While Margie and Fergus were here, Margie and I were chatting about living in England and whether or not we will return to South Africa and something that Margie said seems to have struck a cord with me.....she asked me whether it was really worth "wasting the time we have left with our parents living here" or words to that effect. At the time I gave her an adamant yes and told her how positive my mom was about us being here and that at least when my parents visit next year it will be 1 month (or there abouts) of brilliant quality time.

This morning however, as I lay in my bed feeding my precious Nicholas and looking down at his beautiful little face I was suddenly struck by the most overwhelming sadness....my folks won't get to see him or experience this, my mom had 2 months, but he has already changed so much and I just know how much she would adore spending time with him now....and my dad hasn't even met him. I think it is also that as Christmas draws I find myself more and more lost and desperately scrabbling for something to do that will fill the hole in my heart just a little bit - this is the first time in 35 years I will be away from my parents over the holidays and it is breaking my heart...the holiday are meant to be about family and half of mine is missing.

So the question remains......is this really worth it, depriving my children of their grandparents? I LOVE England and have very happily made it my home, but home is where the heart is and for as long as my mom and dad are in South Africa a very big part of it will remain there and how long can we live with only half a heart.