Thursday 21st May 2009

Megan had her country dancing at school this morning and it was lovely to sit outside in the warm sunshine and watch the children celebrate the arrival of spring with many traditional English country dances including the year 6's around the maypole.

Megan had an absolute ball and was smiling from ear to ear whilst her baby brother also thought the whole thing was great and sat mesmerised though it all. I even had a chance to dance around the maypole in the Mother's dance - another first for England....such a lovely morning!

Bought my train ticket to Whitley bay this afternoon so the trip is now official.....yippee just two more sleeps until Nicholas and I head up to Tanya for the long weekend.

Wednesday 20th May 2009

As I stood this morning stacking my dishwasher I was struck but the stark contrast in my life today as opposed to yesterday - yesterday I was a business woman focused on producing a state of the art dynamic website, without children as they were all being taken care of by others, and with work as my primary concern....today I am back to vacuuming carpets, convincing Nicholas he actually wants to sleep, stacking dishwashers, cooking dinner and washing clothes - is it any wonder that my head is all over the place and I sometimes feel like I am going mad. I know that I am not the only woman with this life, but for me it is new and scary and overwhelming and I wonder if I will ever get on top of it.

I so cherished the peace when I first arrive here and yet somehow I have managed to find myself back on the treadmill running like a crazed hamster..... I have NEVER in my life worked as hard as I am now and worn as many hats (I am a mother, a wife, a housekeeper, a friend, an employee and a business owner), and I don't know whether it is because I am just plain stupid or because God is giving me an amazing opportunity to grow as a person and find inner strengths that I never knew existed....So am I crazy?

Maybe but one thing I know for sure is that when I look back on this first year in England in just a few days it will be nothing if not interesting and filled with challenges and I have begun growing into the kind of capable, strong woman I have always admired....I have LIVED this last year and although I may be totally on my knees at the moment and sometimes desperate for the opportunity to just lie on the couch with absolutely NOTHING to do, I don't have a single regret and that is what gets me through the next hour and the next and the next and the next.

Weekend 16th - 18th May 2009

A stunning weekend filled with obtaining new knowledge and developing good friendships. Phil was away at cub camp in Ardingly (pronounced Are-ding-lie) so we had a big space in the house where he should have been and Megan missed him more then she was willing to admit when he finally came home.

Saturday morning was spent doing the final admin relating to the move and trust me there is as much red tape and frustration in this country as there is in South Africa and bureaucracy definitely seems to be is a universal problem (lol).

Simon and I are working on a big website rebuild at present and the backend (Simon's responsibility) is finally coming to an end so I spent from 1pm Saturday to 1am on Sunday working on the front end in Dreamweaver and I am totally hooked.....all I need now is to get my mac and I will officially be the happiest little person in the world - the fact (as my dad pointed out) that the mac will cost exactly the same as our latest car is beside the point ;-)

Sunday we had one of Megan's friend's parents for lunch and thanks to the cold grey morning the original plan of a ploughman's lunch went out the window and was replaced by a thick vegetable soup starter served with garlic and cheese croutons followed by a traditional roast chicken with pork and onion stuffing (thanks to Sainsbury's), crispy roast potatoes and 5 vegetables , all finally ended off with a raspberry pavlova and thick cream.

It turned out to be a lovely relaxed afternoon during which Ligia and I cuddled up on the couch with our feet up discussing play therapy in children while the men chatted about all and sundry and the two girls played happily upstairs. At 4pm Si shot out to fetch Phillip and it was one very tired little boy who finally arrived home, so tired in fact we found him asleep in the bath 30 minutes later.

Spent all day Monday working on the Pedal Studio newsletter and by the time Simon got home I was desperate for some fresh air, so we packed Nick into the backpack and headed off to a nearby wood for a walk. I have missed walking recently, time and the weather seem to have been conspiring against me and it has been at least a month since I last managed 30kms in a week so I really relished this opportunity and before we knew it we had managed to cover around 5kms - a distance which 1 short year ago would have left me breathless and which is now quite manageable complete with Nicholas's 11kgs on my back.

Friday 15th May 2009

I have had a lovely busy two days, but in the spirit of my last entry they have been days focused on family and friends and I have been trying to breath rather then shout and to take back the control in my life that I have felt missing for the last few weeks.

On my mom's recommendation I have started taking the medication that Dr Rout prescribed me for possible post natal depression before I left SA and it seems to be making a HUGE difference....basically my PND was triggered both times by hormonal imbalance and these tabs were there to stabilise it if need be and hey presto they seem to be working now as well, so viva la little white tablets (lol)

On Thursday I hosted a lunch at our new home for 4 of my friends and it was a super couple of hours spend sitting on my lounge floor amongst a host of babies enjoying each other's company and catching up on each others lives.....I have known these women for a relatively short time and yet each one has become special to me in her own way and I really feel their absence in my life when we haven't had a chance to meet up.

Phillip has gone away on Cubs camp this weekend so with Nick tucked up in bed it is back to just Si, Meg and I and we are about to sit down and watch a dvd together while enjoying some hot chocolate.....and I am not going to work, I am actually going to snuggle up with family and enjoy the movie - finally trying to get my priorities straight :-)

Life is too short

This blog hasn't been so much a diary of our life in England over the past few days but more of a journal for my thoughts as they are occurring.

There is a lot of press here at the moment about a family who very tragically lost their 2 year old son in an freak accident at a fun fair in North London last weekend. Instances like this one really highlight that life is simply too short and I have no doubt that that poor father is just wishing he had done something differently that morning....that he had decided on the beach rather then a visit the fun fair or that he had chosen to have lunch in a different area of the park, or not stopped to chat as he had when his little one managed to escape and in this instance run right into dangers way.

We really don't know when we are going to speak to or hold our loved ones for the last time and we take so much of the time that we have with them for granted....I know that I am guilty of this and am inclined to ask my family to wait while I fulfill my other commitments, but should the unthinkable happen I know that it would be a regret that I would live with for the rest of my life, and so with that in mind I am determined to stop and smell the roses more often, to spend time celebrating the wonderful souls that have been sent to spend their time here with me, and to try and just live one day at a time instead of 3 weeks ahead as I usually do.

Giving up feeding

I have just given up feeding Nicholas and I am not entirely sure who is suffering more.....he is definitely more then a little confused as, up until now, he has been exclusively demand fed and if that meant 3 times in an hour then so be it and now the tap has been abruptly turned off as it were and he is reeling a little bit (his fault for refusing the bottle and holding out for the breast feeds).

I too am going though all kinds of angst, not only am I dealing with breasts from hell (sorry my male readers but my word, this is painful going cold turkey and without the use of drying up tablets) but my hormones are all over the place and I am back to crying at the death of animated dogs and turning on my husband in a rage one minute and kissing him the next - to say that Simon is confused is the understatement of the century and he even asked me if I thought I may be going mad the other day.....of course this was done with great trepidation and from behind the safety of a closed door in case I chose that moment to flip and throw something at him (lol), but it actually got me to thinking.

What is it with woman and hormones, they control us and turn us into strange beings at least once a months....if our hormones are out of wack so are we, I literally cannot think reasonably and the aggression is almost like a physical force in my stomach....I am now so desperate to get it under control that I am seriously thinking about speaking to the doctor about some kind of medication.....anything to restore some semblance of sanity, but preferably in the form of a patch or injection.

I don't think our diets help any either, most of the meat we eat has some kind of hormone in it and all the fruit and veg has been so irradiated or frozen or both that most of the vitamins and minerals are gone.....my biggest problem (and I can admit this) is that I can't remember to take the supplements that I have spent a fortune on in the past and so the cycle never gets broken and I find myself spiralling into a kind of frenzy for a week every month and then spending the rest of the month feeling alternately guilty about my behaviour and frustrated because I know it is going to happen again.....so why am I noticing it all now, and why am I suddenly determined to fix it?

Well I have had relatively stable hormone levels for the last 18 months and I liked it....no I LOVED it, I was able to enjoy my life, my children and my wonderful dh and if Nick didn't now have teeth I would seriously consider feeding for a considerable time still in order to maintain the balance.....so what now....well I am going to endeavour to get things under control and in the mean time hope that my dh and children don't give up on me entirely....I know they have also preferred the woman that has been living with them for the last 18 months and I will do just about anything at the moment to get her back.

Jann

Simon took Jann and Rodney to the airport yesterday after a lovely braai out on our terrace and I can definitely feel a Jann sized hole in our home....I have never spent more then a day with my sil before and I have to say I LOVED it, we clicked and connected on so many levels and although I have felt like one of the "Robertson girls" for many years I think this trip has definitely cemented my sisterhood with her - we seemed to share a similar view on so much and I can honestly say that we had one long opened ended far reaching never boring conversation which flowed day after day and often into the early hours of the morning.

The whole family enjoyed having her in our space and spending time catching up and I suppose for the siblings it gave them an opportunity to "get to know" each other again....we didn't DO much in the tourist manner of things but rather spent time talking and walking (we averaged 7000 steps per day on Jann's pedometer) and Jann was able to experience our life in this sleepy English village.



The children seemed especially touched by her time here and Phil commented this morning that he wished Aunty Jannie hadn't left - he seemed to establish an almost instant and deep connection with her which I am sure he will remember for a long time. Jann's tireless listening to Megan writing and "recording" of her song was also a big hit and Meg has now asked for a dictaphone for her birthday so that she can follow in her very talented aunts footsteps.....Jann was in many musical productions in South Africa and continues to explore her amazing ability through songwriting and her website designed to market and promote South African talent http://www.yourart.co.za/

Such a lovely trip, I am going to miss Jann in my space and hope that we will see her again before too many years have passed.

Friday 8th May 2009

As I sit this evening watching my precious family all watching Kung Fu Panda and laughing out loud as only the Robertson's can do I am struck by just how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing souls......

Megan, the old soul, has been here before and is filled with an inner peace and calm certainty that astounds me - I am certain that she has been sent into my life to teach me something and at times I definitely feel like she is the parent and I am the child. Megan has coped with this move probably better then any of us and she is growing up to be a responsible, compassionate, generous and sensible young woman.

My Phillip, I believe, is here on his first journey and his soul is excited just to be alive....where there is Phillip there is joy (and noise and huge amounts of energy lol) - I don't know what I would have done without this little person in my life, he reminds me often that life is about living in the moment and even in his most exhausting moments his love of life is infectious.

Nicholas is still too young to have fully formed his character, but again I believe that I have been blessed with another old soul.....this little boy has a wonderful calm about him that soothes me in my most harassed moments and I find people watching him mesmerised where ever we go as he seems to have something about him that attracts attention and melts hearts (and no I don't think it is just his chubby cheeks and thunder thighs lol).

As for the man I chose to spend my life with....WOW....sometimes I can't believe how lucky I have been - yes we argue and we have had our rocky patches and steep mountains to climb, and at times we drive each other utterly mad, but at the foundation is a strong loyal love that I believe will see us through it all. Simon the father is a phenomenal man and I fall in love with him over and over again when I see him playing with our children and holding our baby boy feeding him his bottle with that soft "daddy" look in his eyes.....sigh.

Moments like this remind me why we are here, it is not about the money or the material success, it is about connecting with others and sharing our lives in meaningful ways.....it is about raising the next generation in a loving environment and giving them the tools to carve their own way in the world, the rest is all just stuff and if we can find a way to let some of that stuff go I think that is the path to true peace and happiness.

Thursday 7th May 2009

I am back on line.....woooohoooooo......and very very pleased to be here, blogging has become such a part of my day to day life that I have felt a huge gap this last week and I am delighted to be back tapping away on my keyboard while life in our new house gently goes on around me.

The move, as I indicated in my last post, was very hard, but it is over now which is the important thing and we are happily ensconced in our new home and so far I have not had a moments regret at my decision (well maybe a slight fleeting moment sometime late on moving day when every muscle in my body was aching lol but not since then). It turns out all of the four flats in the house are occupied by families with children, two of which are delightful little boys who have turned out to be great playmates for Phillip and he is spending some lovely happy hours out in our stunning communal garden enjoying his new friends.

Many people have asked me why on earth I felt the need to move when we were very happily living in a spacious 3 bedroom home with no apparent problems and apart from some not too hectic financial reasons I think it boiled down to the fact that I had never chosen our first house and as such had never had the totally emotional "gut" reaction to it. My dear friend Bee always talks about loving where you live and I so get that and now I do, love where I live that is.....when I moved to England I never really imagined living in a 1960's new build and although it ticked all the boxes on paper our first home was simply no comparison to our new quirky character filled Victorian flat and I am so so grateful I decided to look at one more property :-)

The first week in our home has also been an eventful one as not only did it see the 1 year anniversary of Si's arrival here but one of my sister-in-law's is also spending some time with us while her partner is doing business in Germany....it has been indescribably stunning to have family here and Jann and I have literally spent hours and hours and hours chatting about everything and nothing (if that makes sense), I have LOVED having her in my home and little Phillip has taken to her in the most amazing way, she is so patient with them and spends hours on the floor in the afternoons playing board games and pick up sticks so she is definitely a firm favourite. Jann is a singer/songwriter and this has Meggie absolutely enchanted.....this afternoon they even spent a couple of hours writing songs and "recording" them on Jann's Dictaphone so Megs is in her element, especially as her uba talented auntie actually thinks she shows latent promise as a lyricist.

So all in all a string of diamonds recently....see I am already putting the nightmare move out of my mind lol and really looking forward to to the summer and all the excitement and promise it brings.

Sunday 2nd May 2009

Just a very brief post.....move has been LONG and EXHAUSTING and I am glad that it is almost over - have told Si at least a million times this week that I am ONLY moving again when it is into our own home.

Monday the weather was very difficult and it rained the entire day...poor Si and Rob were waiting for breaks in the rain to bring the furniture up the stairs and I think they were both very very relieved when the final load was eventually in the house. I have spent the entire week unpacking and sorting and let me tell you it is not an easy task with no help and when you still have to keep the home running

We are spending the afternoon (Saturday) with Kerry and Rob and enjoying a lovely braai and (for me) some much needed blog time (lol)....it is a long weekend here with a bank holiday on Monday so it will be nice to have Si and the kids home with me and Si's sister Jann will be arriving to spend a week with us which will be stunning.